Game of Chicken: Conflicting Impulses (Dear Cookie Monster)

Game of Chicken: Conflicting Impulses

Dear Ana,

What you wrote yesterday was so long I got bored half-way through it and have since forgotten most of what you wrote.

Only two things stand out:

#1. You are a grown woman and sniveling about your parents is really lame.

They should not even factor into how you live your life. Seriously. Kind of pathetic. I know you think they always jinx you because they tend to doubt your abilities to be perfect (hmm, why would they do that?) and then when you fall short of being perfect, you look for anyone and anything but yourself to blame. Yes, it’s cool that you want to go back to school. Yes, they are going to think that’s a bad idea. I don’t really care either way, I’m just tired. Really tired. You don’t have to convince me about anything, just don’t make me do any work.

#2. I can agree with you about the boredom thing.

It’s fun for like 5 seconds and then it gets boring. Having to go through all of that is exhausting. And repetitive.

Oh, and I guess something else stuck out, too. The whole game of chicken that you were going on about.

Yeah, I don’t have any suggestions. Because here I am making plans to go binge and you’re like “sure” and when I decide I’m “good for right now,” you get all happy and it makes me just want to punch you in the face and go binge so you stop being so happy. It’s annoying. I’m not doing this because you want me to do it, I’m doing this because I’m good for right now for whatever reason.

Maybe it’s because you’re actually letting me speak for once and giving me the reigns without me having to rip them out of your hands. I don’t know.

But seriously, you need to (wo)man up. I’m not that scary, although I’ll take your fear of me as a compliment. You shouldn’t be terrified of me acting out. Being down in the depths is horrible, but it doesn’t last. Well, sometimes it does. I don’t know what I’m saying.

I just hate moving. That’s what’s on my mind right now.

This new place we’re going to has a “no eating in the room” rule. You’re supposed to eat everything in the common room. No way in hell. I don’t like people watching me eat, or even knowing what I’m eating, which is why I buy things here and there so no one knows the entirety of it. And then, once my backpack is full, I go back to my room and consume it all.

I want to settle down somewhere where I can stay more than just a few weeks.

I hate people getting to know me, but all this moving is just exhausting. Rule #348 of traveling: if something can spill, it will spill. Which is why you don’t stockpile anything. I had to say goodbye to a bunch of stuff I brought from home, which was unfortunate.

But that’s done. Everything you own fits into one suitcase, which is pretty cool.

Alright, time to go buy some food.

I just hate moving, I don’t want to have any brain cells tomorrow when I’m on the train and I love how bingeing puts me into a state of numbness.

So, will you take me out trick-or-treating?

You can dress up in whatever ridiculous and embarrassing costume you want because I just really want you to come with me. Going trick-or-treating on my own is really depressing.

x

Cookie Monster

P.S.

Dear Reader,

What do you do when you are dreading something?

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