Dear Twenty (20) and Ana (25),
I don’t know what to write. I just feel embarrassed. I feel like a bad person.
I do judge too much. I am unreasonable and mean. I find people’s wounds and then grind salt into them. I like seeing other people finally realize how worthless and mediocre they are. That look people get when they fall to pieces makes my heart swell.
I think it’s because I’ve had to sit here and watch you two burn my success to the ground.
I’ve watched everything that I worked so hard for get stripped away. I’ve seen people look down on you, belittle you, patronize you, boss you around. That’s my job, no one else gets to do that. I want to punch all of them in the face and then kick them a million times while they’re down.
You were going to do what your mom does.
With her job, she doesn’t have a boss, she can quit and find a new job in an instant because she’s in high demand. All I would have to do to get that is work hard and then I could be an independent woman like her, not relying on anyone, demanding respect, untouchable.
Now, I am just a pathetic person who graduated three years late with a major that cannot get her any kind of job and gives her no qualifications.
I am a useless person, a waste of space, unwanted.
I wanted to be like my mom. In high demand. Useful. Wanted. And above all else, respected. I can’t stand people laughing at me, looking down on me, thinking I’m a joke.
I wanted that so badly. I still want that. Ana, you say you want to go back to school and make that a reality. Give yourself, all of us, a do-over. But why is there just a feeling of tiredness? I’m hoping this new job will force us up and out and back in the saddle. But what if it just runs us ragged? You’re not qualified, so they’re throwing you a bone and will constantly be critiquing you, the hours are long, the pay is abysmal, the work itself is beyond stressful, and it’s the last thing in the world you want to do.
However, after the Fall, working two jobs is what dragged you out of the depths.
You worked 7 days a week, not a single day off. You also wrote. A lot. 2,000 words in the morning and 2,000 at night. You made yourself get up early and you wouldn’t go to sleep until it was done. You have it in you. You can do this if you want it. There is nothing stopping you.
Even if this plan fails spectacularly, I would rather try and fail than not try at all.
OK, this is getting long so I’ll wrap it up.
Please talk about that thing you’re avoiding.
You know the one. You’re driving all of us nuts. I say that with love.
I want this to be the last “P.S.” ever. These are so annoying and stupid.