Dear Ana (25),
Good job talking about that thing.
Except maybe when you say “I don’t want to be melodramatic and emo and wax poetic,” you should maybe stop instead of continuing to do just that.
Yes, that was all super not great (huge understatement, I know). Yes, it quite often makes the present super not great as well. But, still. Knock it off.
I don’t know why I’m being so insensitive.
I guess I just think writing about that whole experience in that way is kind of pathetic and asking people to feel sorry for you or comment on how artistically you captured your suffering.
It’s just annoying, if you ask me. So cut it out.
I really don’t want to be mean, it’s just that you keep getting hung up over the same thing over and over again. Like today, you had to take the bus and you kept remembering that time when you were on the bus while you were “falling” and some not so great stuff happened (another understatement).
I think dwelling on it and making it seem larger than it is by romanticizing it just makes everything worse.
Just be simple and direct. No fancy stuff.
Maybe I’m also saying this because I don’t want you to keep diving into that stuff.
It’s pretty dark in there. I’m kind of creeped out by the idea that the crazy person you became is somehow locked up in your subconscious just waiting for the perfect moment to seize control and ruin our life again.
If I’m in here, isn’t she in here, too?
This is super creepy, but I feel like whoever that person was resembled Cookie Monster (11) in a LOT of ways. She was hyper, bubbly, all over the place, annoying, difficult, stubborn. Maybe that was her coming out to “play” after being locked up for so long.
This is just psychobabble nonsense, of course.
Please ignore me and write this all off. I just want to make sense of this, even if my explanation is ridiculous. A stupid hypothesis like this belongs in a psychological thriller than has absolutely no basis in reality and knows nothing about how psychology actually works.
However, as much as I just want to write the whole thing off as chemicals in our brain going haywire, that just doesn’t seem to capture it all.
I feel like there’s more to it. Some people would argue otherwise, but I feel like there’s more to who I am than a bunch of neurons firing here and there.
Some pretty weird stuff happened during that stint, and I don’t want to write it down because it definitely will make us sound completely insane. It kind of made me believe in some stupid spiritual stuff that I would never say aloud.
I feel embarrassed that I still think some of the things I experienced were true rather than just hallucinations or delusions.
Haven’t people said that a lot of people who did cool stuff were technically mentally ill? Or am I just saying that to make myself feel better because I’m the opposite of a person who does cool stuff because of everything that’s happened?
I’m getting annoyed with myself now, so that’s the end of this letter.
I might be even worse than you when it comes to talking about that stuff.
Should we maybe talk to Twenty-Two (22)? or Twenty-Two Point Five (22.5)? I seriously don’t want to go anywhere near that, but we are doing this project for a reason. This is supposed to be uncomfortable and perhaps a little weird and scary sometimes. Please just wait until I can find a bomb shelter to hide in before you start.