Dear all of you,
Sorry for the wifi rant yesterday.
I don’t handle change very well, especially unexpected change.
This is a good thing.
I keep telling myself.
This is just such a good outlet. And not having it the way I used to have it is hard.
I can go somewhere with internet, but that means everyone being able to see me, stare at me, talk to me.
Being the only person who looks like this is hard when I just don’t want to be noticed.
It’s exhausting. I don’t want to go sit in a public place after being on public transportation, walking around, and having people stare at me.
Especially if I am terrible at my job and just want to go home where I can just shut the door, take off these clothes that are too tight, and numb myself out by watching YouTube.
I don’t want to be someone who goes to a job they hate and then numb themselves when they get home.
Maybe this is just a thing that will pass.
But maybe it won’t.
I keep waiting for myself to get over things that happened in the past for me to finally live, but I need to stop doing that.
My life does not start X pounds from now, when my skin clears up, when these memories stop, and I stop hating life/myself/everyone so much.
I just need to get out there.
Yes, I am going to hurt people.
Yes, they are going to make me feel terrible about it (like that one person is). And they are going to be right about what a terrible inconsiderate person I am. And I’m going to just want to hide from the world not only to protect myself, but to protect other people from me.
Because I am not the kind of person people want to be around.
I make a good impression, but it’s downhill after that.
I don’t want to be around myself most days, and the only people who do are very strange.
Like that person I need to just cut loose because not doing so is a really mean thing to do. I need to stop being afraid of conflict, people not liking me, etc.
If people think I’m a (trying not to swear here), then so what.
That’s what I am, probably. Definitely.
I just can’t please everyone.
Being perfect and likeable and then suddenly transforming back into myself when I can’t take it anymore and hiding from everyone is really tiring and makes me feel like a horrible person.
I just need to be a horrible person for the getgo.
Not having a computer is turning me into a whiny little (same bad word). Apologies. Hopefully whoever you are (including future me) stopped reading a while ago.
What I just said was stupid and melodramatic, but deleteing stuff on here is hard and I’m not supposed to do that anyway.
I just need to go be me, which is messy and vomiting myself (figuratively, just to clarify) all over other people when the pressure builds and explodes.
People can leave. If they don’t, I’ll make them leave. Or just stop talking to them because making them leave makes me feel like a bad person and they should have gotten the hint a while ago.
I’m such a coward.
That pattern will probably continue until I learn how to be around people and outside a room that I sleep in.
It is less than ideal, but I need to just do it.
Yes, it is going to be using people to get better.
They are going to be like guinea pigs that I practice being a human around and then chase off or abandon because I don’t want people around who’ve seen my flaws.
I don’t want to be someone who people take pity on. I don’t want to be around people I disrespect. I want to be someone’s equal.
But I don’t respect myself and therefore people who like myself because I wouldn’t like me if I met me.
I’ve thankfully stopped hanging around people who don’t like me (the only people I think are rational – like my brother) because that’s unhealthy, but unfortunately there now is no one left.
Besides, people are always using other people, so what difference will it make if I’m there? Knowing me and learning to run will teach them an important lesson.
I also need to stop pretending I’m powerful enough to hurt and use people.
Most people forget things and get over them in 2 seconds. They don’t brood like I do and make a big deal out of everything.
Woe ’tis me, what a wonderful pity party this is.
I really wish I had a keyboard.
And a sense of gratitude and perspective.
I’m going to hate myself tomorrow for writing this probably more than for what I wrote yesterday.