These things aren’t even letters anymore. I need to get on that and focus into separating. Right now I feel like Ana (25 years old) but also everyone mashed up together.
Anyway, I just talked to a friend on the phone.
(This also is starting to sound way too much like a diary).
Coming out of hibernation is excruciating. My friend couldn’t believe that I had done nothing for 4 months besides eat (a lot) and sleep (a lot). Yay depression! And hiding from people that make me feel sad and other feelings.
Talking to him helped me figure out a bit more why that happened.
We somehow got in the topic of kids and how we don’t really “like” them. I put quotes because I’m not sure how to define what I mean exactly.
I “like” them because they’re, well, people, but I only “like” them in certain situations and when they behave in certain ways.
I wasn’t around kids much until a couple years ago, so I didn’t have much of an opinion about them.
They would sometimes be an annoyance at a movie, restaurant, or on a plane, but besides that, they were just there. Maybe I liked them a bit because my dad doesn’t like kids, but that’s not really liking something.
I think when I worked at a restaurant a few years ago is when I formed an actual opinion about them. If a kid came in, that often meant a mess to clean up and having to pretend bad behavior was cute in front of their parents.
In that certain situation and with that certain behavior, I did not “like” kids.
When I worked in a school a few years ago (I had two jobs at the same time – kept myself super busy after “The Fall” when I was home for a year on medical leave), I formed more opinions about them.
When it was my job to be responsible for them and they didn’t do what they were supposed to do (understandably – I have no idea what to do with kids. I cannot emphasize this enough), I would not “like” them. They made me feel tired and inadequate and I didn’t like feeling those feelings.
Since they made me feel those unwanted feelings, I therefore didn’t “like” kids.
To further explain what I meant to my friend I said, “I like kids, just not when they’re being messy. Or human. I guess I don’t really like people that much, either.”
He didn’t have much to say to that.
It’s true, though. I don’t “like” people in certain situations or when they behave in certain ways.
Like when I have a “friend” who doesn’t behave how I think a friend should, which is probably a reflection of how I don’t know how to be a friend, I don’t like how that makes me feel. It also makes me feel tired and inadequate. And also sad and annoyed and embarrassed and depressed.
I “like” people when we all get along and behave well and like each other, especially them liking me because I don’t really “like” anyone. That makes me people-please a lot, changing myself so they like me. Which makes me feel tired and inadequate because it ultimately doesn’t work.
People (including myself) don’t like people (like me) who are a certain way just to make others like them.
If a person is a certain way and others dislike that, it’s entirely different because at least the person is a known entity. If a person is a certain way and others like that, this is where the magic of friendship happens (from my observation since I don’t really have friends).
The fluid morphing ever-changing person (like me), on the other hand, is dislikeable because there is nothing solid to like.
That constant changing represents insecurity, neediness, and weakness. Only people who like taking advantage of others “like” people like that, which ultimately isn’t liking. Those people hurt, which is worse than bringing about fatigue and a sense of inadequacy. I’ve finally stopped letting people like that into my life, but the result is that there is no one left.
I think that’s why I did nothing but “eat” (binge) and “sleep” (couldn’t get out of bed due to depression) for the past 4 months.
I was just so tired from trying to people-please for the past couple of years and I just felt so inadequate because I don’t really have any friends after all that.
I don’t like being messy and human, which is the test of friendship – liking people unconditionally. Because I don’t like being messy. I don’t like people seeing me like that and I can’t stand other people when they are.
All this was true to some extent before “the Fall,” but it became more extreme afterwards.
I was too messy and human when I was manic and psychotic. After that, especially after so many people saw and walked away, I never wanted to be messy or human ever again.
And I didn’t want other people to be, either.
This all is just an observation. I don’t know if realizing this changes anything because I still don’t “like” people or foresee myself “liking” them anytime soon.
I guess that means I don’t “like” myself either, which I also don’t foresee changing.
Maybe that’s part of why I’m doing this project – so I can “like” myself, especially my younger self that is super human and messy and “unlikeable.”
Well, that’s kind of depressing.
My new job means I work with kids all day. I already feel sorry for them.
I don’t want to be this way and they don’t deserve to have someone like me responsible for them. However, I don’t get a kick out of controlling people or have malicious intentions, which makes me a bit better than most people in my position. However (again), the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. But (yet again), since I don’t have any intentions except figuring out how to make things work for the both of us, maybe this will all be OK.
On the surface, the worst I feel I could do is for them not to enjoy the time they spend with me.
But they’re kids. They don’t know that things not going well is more likely a reflection of me rather that of them.
If they misinterpret our time together as being their fault, that could do some damage, especially after seeing me everyday for a year.
But at the same times there are things that they shouldn’t do and it’s my job to redirect them. If I don’t and just let them do whatever they want, that also isn’t good and could do a lot of damage.
I guess I am (we are) just going to have to make a big mess while figuring this whole thing out.
I feel sorry for these kids that I will be learning how to be human around them, but maybe they will be more forgiving than most adults.
Kids are resilient and bounce back faster. They can totally eat it on the playground and pop right back up again without a scratch. I think it’s because they weight less and are closer to the ground, but also because they just get over things in general more quickly.
I’m just trying to make myself feel better now.
Ultimately, I can’t hide myself away because I’m afraid of hurting other people.
Maybe that’s selfish, but I need to get out there. I’m going to try to do my job to the best of my ability and that’s all I can do.
Ok, enough of this.