Hole: Burying Emotions (Dear Cookie Monster)

Hole: Burying Emotions

Dear Whoever,

This isn’t going to be a letter because it’s 00:30 and I have to wake up at 06:30 and I still have to take a shower and clean up all these food wrappers and fall asleep.

I was already going to binge because I hate my job, but then I tried to fill a prescription and they said that it was expired. Back home, you hand the prescription to the pharmacy and they give you a bottle with however many refills. Here, they just hand back the prescription for you to refill again wherever, but apparently it expires after a while.

Which means I have to go back to a hospital and get a new prescription.

I already hate hospitals and hospitals here are on steroids. They are packed and there is no privacy and they always have medical students (no offense, medical students) who don’t know what they are doing and stare at me like I’m a science experiment.

Mental health is also highly stigmatized here (more so than in other places).

It would be one thing if I was going in for a broken leg, but I’m not. The last time I went in, the medical student was asking me about my mental health history in the LOBBY (you take a number and sit in rows until its your turn) with like 50 people being able to hear.

Yes, he was speaking English, but tons of people here speak English. I never assume someone can’t understand English until they prove otherwise. 2 seconds after he left, the person next to me started explaining how the number/waiting system worked. In English.

Wonderful. Just peachy.

I also now have this 8:30-5:00 job, which means having to go to a hospital at night. Which terrifies me.

And they might not have someone there to see me, just an ER doctor who can’t help, and after all that the pharmacy will probably be closed, so I’ll just go there for no reason. 

I was just super stupid and waited until the last minute to refill my prescription because I hate pharmacies in general and the ones here, surprise, have very little privacy. Running out of meds and taking them inconsistently caused a ton of problems in the past, so I’m terrified of that happening again.

Especially over here on the other side of the planet far far away from everyone where the mental health wards I could get locked up in are absolutely terrifying.

When that happened while I was in school, my school called my dad and he was able to come help me the next day.

Here, no one knows who I am or who to call. I could just end up locked away in a hospital unable to speak or think coherently or know what’s going on and literally anything could happen to me and I wouldn’t be able to do anything.

So many bad things happened at hospitals at home, I don’t want to know what would happen here, especially after hearing so many horror stories.

OK, enough of that rant.

Tomorrow is Twenty-Three (23 years old)’s turn because I need to get to bed. I don’t want to sleep or shower because then it will be tomorrow and I will have to go to that horrible school and where that horrible uniform where I can’t hide my fatness and make everyone annoyed because I’m so incompetent and have tiny children not doing what they’re supposed to do and I have to do something about it because that’s my job even though I don’t like or know how to do that.

And then go to a hospital.

I also have no laundry. Because I was bingeing this whole weekend and didn’t get around to it.

I am just so tired of all this. I don’t want to do it anymore.

But where could I go? No matter where I go, I will still be me and these problems will follow.

I like to pretend that if I start that new job and really like it, and I love everything about that new place, and where I live is fantastic, and I have really great roommates, and everyone loves me and I love them – that everything would be wonderful and I wouldn’t want to binge anymore.

It will still happen. No matter what. It always happens. It never goes away. Never.

Why won’t bingeing just go away? I’ve had to do this – “food drama” I’ll just call it – for almost 15 years.

If I try “just eating” I end up bingeing. If I try “not eating” I end up bingeing. If I try “eating only X” I end up bingeing.

I am just so tired of being stressed out. It’s 1am now. I just want to sleep. I don’t want to eat this much. My stomach hurts and my head hurts and my body hurts.

I am just going to acknowledge that this pessimism has a lot to do with having just binged 5 minutes ago (as well as years and years of failed attempts to not binge), and that I just need to go to sleep.

But I can’t sleep. I can’t accept this. I am going CRAZY with this big disgusting body to carry around everywhere. It doesn’t fit into any clothes. I can’t buy new clothes because everyone here is so small (the largest shoe size is a size 6), my face is puffy and gross, my hair keeps falling out, my skin is breaking out. I feel like I am buried underground screaming and I just keep filling up the hole with more and more food so I can’t hear myself anymore.

I’ll go back and put “quotes” around things I don’t really mean, or that I believe now but don’t believe normally because I am just really frustrated and sad and scared and angry and lonely. (Actually I’m not going to because I’m tired. Basically if I said anything disrespectful about my body or other people, I don’t mean it. Not an excuse, just an explanation).

I just mailed all my Christmas presents (which are all going to arrive late because it takes so long for things to ship from here) and I’m not going to get even a single card because I have no mailing address. And also no one who would send me a Christmas present, except maybe my Mom.

OK, this is now just turning into a pity party. It was from the beginning, but it’s just getting out of hand.

Go take a shower. Go to sleep. Get up tomorrow and go to work. Go to the hospital after work to get a prescription. Go to the pharmacy after the hospital (maybe the hospital’s pharmacy) to fill the prescription. Go home. Maybe do laundry, but don’t worry about that now.

Seriously, go. Right now.

x

Whoever this is.

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