I am still so amazed that you guys are reading and commenting. Seriously, thank you so much.
I am starting to come out of this a bit.
I went a whole day (1 day ago) without bingeing, then my roommates wanted to make (virgin) eggnog today and that all went out the window.
I just caved and called my AA sponsor (it’s been almost a year).
I told her about my recent drinking urges and feeling like I was an imposter addict – that I had just pretended (back in 2013 when I got sober) to have alcohol problems so I could be included in the AA community. Therefore, I could now start drinking again without any consequences since I was never an alcoholic – according to my twisted logic, anyway.
I was telling so many lies back then (in 2013) to get me a spot at the recovery center, to keep insurance from cutting out again, and to make me feel like I belonged somewhere. Soon, I didn’t know what was the truth or who I was. I didn’t know if I really was hurting or if I was just pretending to hurt so I could meet the (ridiculous) insurance conditions to get treatment.
My sponsor gave me a reality check, which was awesome.
She said she felt like an imposter sometimes, too.
While the AA community is awesome, I feel like there’s a competition for having the worst rock bottom. She said she exaggerated a few things in the beginning, too.
She also said it doesn’t matter if I’m an alcoholic or not. She said either way I have great potential to become an alcoholic and asked if I wanted to risk finding out.
There’s alcoholism on both sides of my family and I’ve had 2 family members die from it. I was bulimic for 6 years and have struggled with binge eating for 14 years (holy cow) – I’ve definitely got “bad genes.”
I also told her about food.
And then she told me about her sponsor, who is in food addicts anonymous (which I didn’t know existed). The treatment centers I went to told me to stay away from 12 step food related programs (like OA – no offense OA) because they often call for rigidity, cutting out entire food groups, and unrealistic antics.
I’m desperate, though. My sponsor put me in contact with her sponsor, and then her sponsor told me that a person from her FA group is now in the SAME COUNTRY that I am, all the way on the other side of the planet.
I don’t (with my rational mind) believe in coincidences, but that is pretty cool.
I’m going to bed with hope that maybe I can end this charade.
I made the connection (while talking to my sponsor) that maybe bingeing without purging is driving me to drink again. I want to show how much pain I have.
“No one takes seriously a fat girl who eats too much ice cream” has been my motto since I was twelve. My problems are only worth listening to if I’m skinny or throwing up, preferably both.
Well, I don’t buy it anymore. Whether I’m reaching for alcohol or drugs or scissors or chocolate, I recognize that the base impulse behind them is the same:
“Get me out of here, this is too much.”
I need to learn how to stay trapped inside this body while it sinks to the bottom of the ocean and screams for air. I can’t float away and leave it down there. I have to swim a bit with the fishes and then come up to the surface.
I don’t even know where I’m going with this. It’s 8am now and I haven’t slept. I don’t want to do daylight anymore.
OK, the end.
I promise I am going to get my (stuff) together and start participating in recovery on here.
Being selfish and wrapped up in my own little world drives this whole thing.
Thank you so much in the meantime for reading and for your support.
Whoever this is
There is always going to be an excuse to not participate in recovery (and this blogging community). You spend all day sleeping and wasting time. Why don’t you spend some of it on here reading stuff? Just a suggestion. (After you get some sleep, of course)