More: Growth Through Love Not Hate by Dear Cookie Monster

More: Growth Through Love not Hate

Dear All of You,

Writing this is pretty much the last thing I (age 15) feel like doing. I’m tired and feel depressed and just want to give up trying to have a better year – and it’s not even the end of January 1st. I have no idea what’s going on with me. Everything was so great and then today I woke up not wanting to exist. I’m just going to keep breathing and hope this all passes.

Thank goodness for writing prompts:

What would you do if you weren’t afraid? What can you do now to make that a reality?

I’m going to do the same as the rest of you and list my fears, how I handle them, and what I want to do differently i.e. what I would do if I wasn’t afraid.

My fears, in no particular order:

  • Failing my classes
  • Having to move back home
  • Getting fat
  • No one liking me
  • Not getting into a good college
  • Everyone watching me fail and secretly being happy

There are probably a ton more but I can’t remember them.

How I handled those fears:

  • I studied constantly
  • I tried to make myself thin through dieting and exercising
  • I people pleased
  • I worried

The base fear: failure

I had put myself out there and said what I wanted in life, which far excelled people’s expectations. I was terrified of them being right – that I couldn’t do it – so I worked myself to the bone.

If I wasn’t afraid I would…

I have no idea. I just can’t think right now. Maybe study without motivation from fear and self-hatred.

I’m remembering why I feel so bad right now

I (Ana, age 25) added my roommate on Facebook yesterday and was looking through my profile to see what he might think about me. There was everything: my summer with friends that my eating disorder ruined, the dysfunctional relationship I just ended, the school I barely graduated, the friends I don’t talk to anymore, and my drinking days.

I just curled up into a little ball this morning and cried. I just felt so incredibly angry with myself, especially Twenty (age 20). I know we’ve gone through all this, that hindsight is 20/20, that you didn’t know any better, that you were doing the best you could, etc.

But still. Why? Why did you do that? Why did you throw away your school and your friends and your health just to be thin and pretty and cool? WHY???

You had it so good. You were at an amazing school, studying amazing things, with friends that you adored. The world was your oyster. Why did you (bad word) all over it?

My self harm urges are through the roof right now. I can barely breathe.

My only comforting thought is that at least I’m no longer doing any of that nonsense.

I’m not drinking, I’m not purging, I’m not partying.

I am, however, still taking things for granted and not seizing opportunities. I just threw away four months to bingeing and hiding inside because I hate my life.

Hating my life itself is repeating the past.

I wasn’t satisfied with everything that I had – I always wanted more. That’s why I wasn’t OK with being in school and having friends. I wanted to be live a perfect life full of partying and boys as well.

Wanting more is what made everything fall apart.

I’m not saying that I should be complacent with my life and never strive for anything better, just that the striving should be driven by self-love rather than fear or selfloathing.

I’m just so tired now. I don’t want to be me right now. I want to be the me who still had all her friends, was on track for graduate school, and posted stupid bubbly things on Facebook. I miss her so much sometimes.

Well, she’s still here. Hi, Twenty (age 20). I’m sorry I keep getting mad at you for everything. It’s not you (myself) I’m mad at, really, I’m just mad and need someplace to direct it so I don’t explode.

 But still, please just let me be angry for a moment.

It hurts so much trying to be zen about everything. I just can’t.

Signature: Fifteen (Dear Cookie Monster)

Signature: Ana (Dear Cookie Monster)

Fifteen (age 15) and Ana (age 25)

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3 thoughts on “More: Growth Through Love not Hate

  1. Parental Alienation says:

    Hey there, I have so much compassion for you. You sound like a wonderful woman. You’re goal oriented. You have a systematic approach to change. You seem resilient and not afraid to work hard. You’re a strong person with a lot of ambition. Be careful of people pleasing though. If you do it too much, you lose your own thoughts and decisions.
    http://www.alienators.wordpress.com

    Like

  2. Phil says:

    Sorry to hear you aren’t doing too well. Was there a trigger?

    I love how insightful you are with your posts, but I have to wonder how much time do you take out for yourself. It’s certainly important to think about the past and plan for the future, but I find sometimes the best thing I can do for my anxiety is just to take some time off and indulge that thing that brings you pleasure. Just don’t indulge for too long 🙂

    hope you feel better soon

    Like

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