Why I've Been Gone by Dear Cookie Monster

Why I’ve Been Gone…: Avoiding Reality

I stopped blogging the past few days because I just couldn’t do this anymore:

Being nice to myself, trying to be healthy, trying to think of anyone but myself while reading other people’s things.

Being ashamed of who and where I am hasn’t helped, either.

Over the past few days, I’ve binged twice and restricted an entire day twice.

I just didn’t want to face that by writing about it on here.

I went almost two entire weeks without bingeing, feeling so strong, and convinced maybe this time would be different. Facing the reality of a binge aftermath was just too much.

I’m also a basket case because tomorrow I’m officially signing away my life to the new fancy job offer. Maybe things will be better after that’s all done with.

I’m just so tired being me.

I don’t want to answer writing prompts or sing Kumbaya with all my younger selves. It all just seems pointless when I can just fall apart at any moment and binge.

I’m tired of putting things back together.

I’ve made progress, though.

I can see it when I step back and take a good hard look at things.

I can’t think of any concrete example, just a growing sense of self-worth.

OK, the end.

Please, write at least once a day even if it’s just “hi.”

Baby steps will get you back on track faster than wishing your way there.

Love,

Signature: Unknown (Dear Cookie Monster)

Whoever this is

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4 thoughts on “Why I’ve Been Gone…: Avoiding Reality

  1. mahbuttitches says:

    I am not sure if this will help, but it has helped me greatly.

    A slip up/setback/mistake/etc does not make you a failure. It does not mean you have failed. It is a call for re-evaluation. It is a call for strengthening. You do not have to feel ashamed or berate yourself. You don’t have to hide in your mistake.

    In the grand scheme of things – that first slip would have led to weeks/months/years of pain. You are here again in two weeks. That PROGRESS is tremendous! It is so easy to focus on the bad that the good is lost. You brought yourself back. You are here. Embrace the bad with the good, because you are you. You cannot be perfect. The more gentle you can be, the easier it can be.

    I haven’t purged in…8 months. Recently, I got sick and actually threw up. I found myself sobbing on my bathroom floor. “How could I have done this to myself for so long?!?! I’m such a fuck up”

    No. I’m not and neither are you. We are works in progress. As long as we continue to work, we will progress.

    So much love to you. Keep it up. ❤❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • dearcookiemonster says:

      Wow, thank you so much for this. I like how you call it a re-evaluation. I think I maybe keep doing the same thing and this wonder why I get the same result; this could be a wake up call. Thank you again and best wishes!

      Like

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